As the days and weeks passed I started to feel uncomfortable about my mission. I knew I was qualified to serve a mission and I didn't have fear about failing. I just felt uncomfortable and that is a foreign feeling to me. Being comfortable in every situation and making the best of what I can is a talent Heavenly Father blessed me with so I knew that something was wrong. Life kept going, school was flying by, I went on dates quite frequently, and everyday I thought about Arkansas. Normal life right? You are probably asking yourself there is nothing uncomfortable about that life, why in the world did you feel that way? Well, I was frequently asked questions about my mission, which I didn't mind, the uncomfortable part about it was that I felt like I was lying whenever I answered those questions. I wasn't lying though! It was real! Serving a mission was real! What was going on??
I wanted to serve a mission. I wanted to wear a badge. I wanted to go to Arkansas and serve the people. I wanted the missionary life. But every question and every thought piled on my back and my mind was not at peace. I was not confident about my mission.
I was in dire need of answers. I prayed fervently for a confirmation to serve a mission. Time was passing and it was drawing closer. I was running out of time. One Sunday in January I was called in to meet with the Stake President for a "Check-In" so that he could get to know me better and to see how I was doing. In the meeting I could feel the love of my Savior and the love that my Stake President has for me. We talked about my mission and everything was dandy. Then I got in my car... Feelings of fear and doubt engulfed my being. I was overcome with emotions that I cannot describe. Luckily I had planned to meet with my bishop in Orem later that afternoon to talk through what I had been feeling.
Bishop Russo greeted me with a smile and a handshake like always, he has this way of making you feel loved just by saying hello which made me feel so much better. As I sat down I started to explain every feeling that my soul had been overwhelmed with since November 12th (The day I opened my call). We even talked about dates I had been on. We started talking about Heavenly Father and what he expects of his servants, it is a Priesthood duty to serve a full-time mission and young women are invited to serve a full-time mission as well. In the mix of all of conversation he mentioned staying and continue dating and something came over me that I hadn't felt outside of the temple in for months... Peace.
Now I was even more confused. A mission is a great thing! It is what I wanted to do. I wanted to be in Arkansas. I wanted to wear a missionary tag. I wanted to be a missionary!
That night I stayed at my friend's apartment and we were talking about what was going on and she told me to read a talk by Richard G. Scott called "The Supernal Power of Prayer". So the next day I did. I read the talk late Monday night and wow, the insight I was given was divine. Richard G. Scott talks about the different ways prayers are answered (if you are struggling with finding an answer to your prayer READ IT TODAY) and as I read the section about the "stupor of thought" we have when we have made a decision that isn't the one Heavenly Father has planned, it was so clear in my mind that that's exactly what was happen every time I talked/thought about my mission. Elder Scott goes on about other ways prayers are answer and he talked about peace. Oh goodness. Peace was exactly how I felt about staying. WHAT?! Staying home from my mission?! Was I really going to do that?! Wait... That is exactly what I want. I want more then anything in this life to be what Heavenly Father wants me to be granted I am not the best at it but I try my hardest.
The next morning I received counsel from two men that I admire. My seminary teachers. They told me to ask for a Priesthood blessing from the Stake President. So I did. Wednesday night came and I sat down with the Stake President and we talked about my wrestle with my mission. I was a wreck. Tears flowed through the whole meeting. Why? Because from the moment I received my answer about staying was when the adversary started to seep it's way into my soul. "What will your mother think of you?!" "You will be an outcast." "People will think less of you" These were recurring thoughts that would not leave. I was so afraid of what would happen if I stayed. I was especially scared of what my family would think. But guess what. The power of the Priesthood is real. It is the power of God working through his disciples. My testimony of the Priesthood was strengthened that night, after receiving a blessing I had the courage to tell the person whose opinion mattered most to me. My mother.
Before I received the blessing I was scared out of my mind to tell her because who wants to disappoint their mother? No one. To my relief it was so easy to tell her. She just listened which was exactly what I needed. Telling people wasn't hard either. When I posted the update on my Facebook page I received so many comments that were filled with love and admiration and in that moment I could feel a portion of God's love for me and that was all I needed to know that I was doing the right thing.
Everything since then has fallen into place. I love my life and I am happier then ever. A mission isn't what God had planned for me and that's ok because he still loves me. I don't have to wear a badge to be a missionary and neither do you. You can share your story with others and testify of God's love. Do it! I dare you! It makes you happier and it will change your life!